Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That’s not lazy, that’s proactive.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your *** and knowing you’re ***.

If you could choose between ending World Hunger or Bill Gates’ money, what color would your Lamborghini be? Message me.

Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off everyone will think you’re a jackass.

Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning.

Have you ever ran into a spider web and suddenly turned into a ninja?

I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang,’ so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang,’ so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

See I'm updating.. > o>